By skyforbes Santa found out about the tariffs on a Tuesday, which is already the worst day to learn anything.
He was in the North Pole supply room, staring at a spreadsheet labeled “Toy Parts: Now With Surprise Math”, when the elves wheeled in a crate of tiny plastic wheels.
“Bad news,” said Minty the Logistics Elf. “Each wheel now comes with a tariff, a fee, a surcharge, and an emotional support charge.”
Santa blinked slowly. “How much?”
Minty slid over the invoice.
Santa read it once.
Then twice.
Then he opened a cabinet marked “EMERGENCY COCOA” and replaced the cocoa with eggnog.
“Ho ho… oh no,” he whispered.
By day three, Santa was binge drinking like a man trying to outpace global trade policy. He started wearing sunglasses indoors and calling the reindeer “my beautiful four-legged stakeholders.”
Mrs. Claus staged an intervention.
“Nick, you can’t solve tariffs with eggnog.”
Santa, slumped in a chair shaped like a candy cane, pointed at a map of global shipping routes. “I tried optimism. It failed customs.”
Meanwhile, the elves ran scenarios:
- Option A: Raise prices.
- Option B: Switch to locally sourced wood and start making artisanal, hand-crafted pinecone trains.
- Option C: Teach kids to want socks again.
None of those tested well in focus groups.
Rudolph offered a solution. “What if we reclassify toys as ‘seasonal morale devices’?”
Minty sighed. “Customs laughed and asked for a form that doesn’t exist.”
Then Santa had his big idea.
“Fine. If the world wants paperwork, I’ll give them paperwork.”
He built the first-ever North Pole Free Trade Sleigh Zone, complete with a tiny airport, a legal department of very angry elves, and a banner that read:
WELCOME TO SANTA’S TOTALLY LEGIT INTERNATIONAL JOY HUB
It worked… sort of.
The sleigh was delayed twice for “inspection.”
Dasher got audited.
Blitzen had to declare his carrots.
But Christmas was saved.
Barely.
On Christmas Eve, Santa sobered up just enough to update the Naughty List.
He added a fresh entry: Donald J. Trump
Reason: “Invented a world where I need a lawyer to deliver action figures.”
Santa underlined it twice, then added a footnote:
“Still gets a stocking. But it’s full of trade textbooks and a single wooden top made in 1847.”
And then he sighed, climbed into the sleigh, and muttered:
“Next year I’m delivering digital gift cards and emotional resilience.”
The reindeer took off.
The elves cheered.
Mrs. Claus quietly replaced the eggnog with water.
Santa didn’t notice.
He was already drafting a new holiday slogan:
“Merry Christmas — subject to tariffs, terms, and conditions.”