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OpenAI Whistleblower Reveals ChatGPT Actually Powered By 12,000 Extremely Fast Typists In A Basement
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a revelation shaking the tech world and confirming what several million internet commenters had long suspected, a former OpenAI contractor stepped forward Monday to reveal that ChatGPT is not an artificial intelligence at all, but rather a sprawling subterranean facility filled with 12,000 extremely fast human typists, allegedly recruited to simulate machine intelligence by “typing real fast and hoping for the best.”
The facility, code-named Project QWERTY, is reportedly buried 14 stories beneath OpenAI headquarters. The whistleblower claims that instead of advanced neural networks, the company depends on “a disturbingly efficient human conveyor-belt system” consisting of rows of ergonomic chairs, industrial space heaters, and a motivational poster that simply reads: “RESPONSE TIME UNDER 0.2 SECONDS OR YOU’RE FIRED.”
“The whole AI thing was getting too complicated,” whistleblower says
“Around 2021 the engineers realized building real artificial intelligence would take effort, so they switched to the basement-typist plan,” said the anonymous source.
“We told Sam Altman it wasn’t sustainable, but he said, ‘Just add more typists. People love scalability.’”
The whistleblower provided detailed schematics showing how user prompts are printed on high-speed thermal paper, shot through pneumatic tubes into the basement, and answered by professional human responders who type until their fingers blur, then fling the replies back up the chute.
PHOTO:
(A grainy, over-zoomed image allegedly showing a massive underground room filled with desks and glowing monitors.)
Caption: “The alleged ‘AI core’ facility. Sources claim workers are sorted into sections like ‘Homework Help,’ ‘Unstable Rants,’ and ‘Write Me a Vampire Novel.’”
OpenAI denies allegations, calls basement “a metaphor”
OpenAI issued a statement calling the report “categorically false, metaphorical, and also definitely not a basement.”
Spokesperson Jenna Morales insisted that the company uses cutting-edge machine learning models, adding:
“If we had 12,000 typists, you’d think at least one of them would know how to fix commas. Please be serious.”
She declined to comment when reporters pointed out blueprints clearly labeling a freight elevator button as “TO HUMAN INPUT CHAMBER.”
PHOTO:
(A blurry shot of what appears to be a break room with giant carpal-tunnel wrist braces hanging on hooks.)
Caption: “Leaked image allegedly shows the typists' break area, featuring ergonomic gloves and a vending machine that sells only caffeine pills.”
Public reacts with confusion, mild disappointment
Across social media, reactions were mixed.
Some users expressed outrage:
“I’ve been complimenting an AI for months. Turns out it was just some guy named Derek in a basement?” wrote one user.
Others were impressed:
“Honestly 12,000 typists responding in under a second? That’s way more advanced than AI.”
Meanwhile, several global typing-competition associations issued statements asking OpenAI to reveal where it found so many people capable of hitting 240 WPM without hallucinating.
PHOTO:
(A close-up of a keyboard worn down to smooth plastic.)
Caption: “Investigators say basement keyboards last an average of four days before melting.”
Whistleblower says the truth must come out
When asked why they came forward, the whistleblower simply said:
“People deserve to know that when ChatGPT gives relationship advice, it’s really just Kevin from Table 7 doing his best.”
They added that OpenAI plans to increase the typist count to “at least 18,000” to support upcoming features such as “sarcasm mode” and “accurate math.”