By skyforbes “Maybe explain to him that you need help with the trash?”
“Try complimenting him when he does do chores!”
“Maybe he just never learned how to communicate, have you tried helping him?”
And the classic: “If you always do the task first, he doesn’t get a chance. Just wait a few more days!”
I genuinely thought communication would fix everything. I didn’t understand that many men simply don’t want to do anything. I thought adulthood was something you could talk someone into.
I really started seeing the pattern when my girlfriends and sisters got married and had kids. Every story sounded the same. I used to joke, “Oh, funny, X has the exact same issue with her husband Y.” Until I realized: it’s not a coincidence. It’s a pattern.
You can’t “talk” a man into being an equal partner. All the women I know have become communication experts. Reading books, watching videos, going to therapy, learning how to phrase things gently, scheduling calm conversations, checking in if he has the “energy” to listen, explaining (for the 100th time) that they need help because they’re drowning. Some even ask their men what they need in order to give us equality.
And it always goes one of two ways:
- Defensiveness: suddenly he’s stressed, misunderstood, overworked, planning to do the thing “any minute now,” and somehow you are the problem for bringing it up.
- The Illusion of 'a Good Conversation': he apologizes, says he’ll “work on it,” promises to “try harder,” gives you a big hug and kiss and throws a few compliments your way… and nothing changes. The same conversation repeats in two months.
When I finally told my ex that I no longer believed his chore-promises, I was terrified of sounding like a nag. He'd always promised to do some type of chore that evening/weekend, and he never, ever did. At some point it even triggered a stomach ache whenever he declared he was going to clean. Because I knew I was being lied to right in my face. I rehearsed every sentence, made it soft, neutral, careful. All I wanted was a clean kitchen and shared responsibility.
And still he got irritated. Still he made it about his stress, his intentions, his feelings. I was at fault for “not giving him the benefit of the doubt.”
Meanwhile my friends have changed their entire way of speaking:
Not “Could you vacuum?” but “Can you please make the floor crumb-free and clean,” because otherwise he’ll do it for 2 minutes and call it done. "what? you asked me to vaccuum and I did!"
Not “Do the dishes,” but “Please empty the dishwasher, load it, dry everything, and wipe the counters,” just to prevent the inevitable half-assing. Even then he complains it’s condescending. But if you wouldn't be specific, he won't do it and say he 'just doesn't see' what needs to be done.
And the excessive “pleases” and “thank yous,” because without it he’ll accuse you of not being appreciated, though he never thanks you for anything.
I’m so tired. Tired of women bending over backwards and basically earning a psychology degree just to get the bare minimum. Tired of men communicating like teenagers. Denying, deflecting, defending, or agreeing to everything just to end the conversation. Tired of being told we didn’t communicate “clearly” enough, even though we do all of these tasks ourselves every single day without needing a PowerPoint presentation.
I’ve been single for a while now, and once you see the pattern, you can’t unsee it. I’d love to meet an emotionally mature man who can have a real, constructive conversation — but they seem rare.
Sometimes they even flip our communication skills into an insult:
“You’re not always right, you just know how to talk better than me!”
And then what? Do they read up on communication? Do they initiate conversations to improve the relationship? Do they watch videos on how to 'talk better'? Or, god forbid, do their fair share of work?
No. Nothing.
Because they don’t want to.