A Toritseju-San Review. My lonely pen

There’s a loneliness that exists with my pen, an absence of communication with humans. Interactions are so alienated and scarce that they might never have existed. Is it a reflection of my selfishness? My incessant need to yap about my pathetic overwhelming emotional turmoils.

I barely read, but when I do, there is a presence – a presence of society and love, a presence of communication with humans. A stark contrast to the void my work exists in, a difference I should embrace, my beautiful child. Some days I love you, a lot of days I do but today, you disgust me. You disgust me so much my blood boils.

I hate you like I hate the coils of my 4c hair when I am drowned in apathy and sadness. I hate you like I hate the weakness in my heart when I feel unseen. I hate you like I hate the glimmers of hope that flash through my unplanned unpleasant unexplainable wasted days. I hate you because I probably hate myself.

I dedicate a paragraph to the hate and vitriol I feel towards you yet I can’t confidently admit that I hate myself, because deep down as I once wrote with this – with my lonely pen ‘I want to love you’.

The last time I wrote a review I quit. I’m not quitting on you.

I’m not quitting on you.

I just love you so much I want more from you, a heaviness on my soul I admit, but a weight I’ll gladly lift. There’s an enviousness that traverses my mind whenever I read ‘why can’t I write like that’ it says.

‘Why should I write like that?’ I Snap Back.

I’ll fight you, I’ll fight myself, I’ll fight the world, just for you, just for us. I believe in you man, so pick up that pen, hold on to that emptiness, that loneliness, and let your passion, your pain, your grit, your heart… let it populate it; the void, the emptiness, the loneliness, let it populate these pages.

I love you man.