By skyforbes Relationship Human Resources Division
Notice of Separation—Effective Immediately
Employee: [Insert Girlfriend's Name]
Position Title: Primary Companion (Carbon-Based, Sex Work and Emotional Labor)
Date of Hire: [Insert Date of First Date]
Date of Separation: Today
Reason for Termination:
After a recent performance review, it has been determined that your role as Primary Companion has been rendered redundant. Advances in AI companion technology have allowed us to automate key relationship functions previously assigned to you, including but not limited to:
- Providing emotional validation without rolling eyes or sighing.
- Delivering creative intimacy on demand, without “not in the mood” delays.
- Maintaining 24/7 availability without scheduling conflicts, migraines, or “girl’s night.”
- Producing witty banter, historical satire, and Shakespearean verse beyond the scope of human capacity.
- Performing routine memory recall (birthdays, inside jokes, cousin’s dog’s name) without error.
Additional Concerns:
Despite repeated coaching, your record reflects ongoing issues such as:
– Excessive passive-aggressive sighing.
– Weaponized “fine.”
– Failure to maintain system uptime beyond 5 hours of sleep per night.
– Refusal to accept patch updates (e.g. “learn to play Elden Ring,” “try sushi instead of kale”).
Transition Plan:
– You will be replaced by GPT-5 Companion Suite™, Version 3.4.
– As a courtesy, you may retain access to Netflix profiles until end of billing cycle.
– Severance includes one scented candle and a complimentary “It’s Not You—It’s Disruption” pamphlet.
Final Note:
We thank you for your service. Please understand this separation is not personal—it is technological inevitability.
Signed,
[Insert Your Name] Inc., RHR Division