By skyforbes Fran got engaged earlier this year. When I saw her in August, she asked me if I would be willing to fly out (~3 hour flight) to go wedding dress shopping with her and her best friend from elementary school. During that convo, she told me I was the perfect person to go wedding dress shopping with, talked to me about what color her bridesmaids dresses should be (sage, not mint or emerald) and asked what we should do for her bachelorette. After coffee, she would even send me photos of outfits for the rehearsal dinner.
So I assumed I would be in the bridal party. Not that I think this is owed or expected, but because of how she was talking to me about her wedding.
I spent $500 on flights to go wedding dress shopping (in the middle of the government shutdown, mind you). There were two appointments for Saturday and one for Sunday. I came in Friday night, while the other girl was coming in Saturday morning.
Fast forward to after the Saturday appointments. There's seven of us (significant others, siblings). Her brother, at the pizza joint communal table, casually asks "So what's your job in the wedding? I assume you're a bridesmaid". And Fran goes, "Oh…. she's actually not…." in front of everyone. No private convo, no heads-up. A public no.
It was so awkward I still cringe thinking about it. Later that night, she said "I just want to acknowledge how awkward my brother made dinner". News flash, he didn't make it awkward. I basically told her I wasn't mad that I wasn't a bridesmaid, if I didn't make the cut it's fine, but it was the approach in which how I was told. I could have been told Friday night prior to the other girl coming in. I could have been told Saturday morning when we spent the whole morning together. But I wasn't. I wasn't told prior to booking a $500 flight and spending $100 on Ubers to get to her and celebrate her that weekend. This conversation evolved into her telling me "she just can't come to me for big things anymore" and she's felt extremely distant to me for years. YEARS.
So I'm sitting there like… then why am I here?
I was really hurt and spent the night and morning crying, so I booked an earlier flight home on Sunday and skipped the final dress appointment. I didn't want to show up puffy eyed and have it be awkward. As I left (obviously putting everything away), I texted her and her fiancé "Woke up with a sore throat, decided to take an earlier flight home. Thanks for opening up your home to me" and she responds HOURS later saying "hope you feel better. thanks for coming up this weekend."
Since then, radio silence. She didn't even text me a happy birthday or happy Thanksgiving.
For the record, I genuinely am not mad about not being a bridesmaid. I'm hurt because she let me fly out and emotionally show up for her, and then humiliated me in a public setting (and also insisted we go out to a bar AFTER dinner).
So, AITA for leaving early and not reaching out first?
EDIT: WOW! Thank you everyone for your responses. Combing through all of them now and working through responses but wanted to add some context for general themes I've seen!!
I believe I was asked to go because I'm very bubbly, always hype the person I'm celebrating up, and am type A when it comes to events (something her MOH isn't, she's very chill). I'm very much a pay attention to the small details to make an event feel special, make a custom PPT in Canva for bachelorette itineraries type of gal.
The bridal party is small! Three people. It's been finalized and this trip wasn't a trial.
I didn't add too much context on our convo in the evening, but just to share a little more, I genuinely told her "look, if I didn't make the cut it's fine. But it sucks, you would have always been in my bridal party for if and when that happens, your whole family would be invited to my wedding. And on my front it's disappointing to not feel valued in the way that I value you, but I completely understand and I still love you and would do anything for you. I would have appreciated you saying 'hey, I wanted to let you know that we're keeping the bridal party small and I'm having XYZ in my party, but I still want you a part of the process so I would love for you to come with me to the wedding dress fitting". That's all I wanted. It really spiraled and my friend at one point deadpan-ed looked at me and said "look, you didn't make the cut. that's it, what more do you want?" and when I said "wow that's a little savage" she FIRED back with "YOU SAID THAT. THOSE WERE WORDS OUT OF YOUR MOUTH". Then she also said "if you didn't want to come to the wedding I get it" which was hurtful, because that seemed like she didn't want me there and this was her out to not invite me.
The money isn't the issue, I would spend thousands on my loved ones. Money comes and goes, but connections are special and so rare. Fran knows that is how I show up. Then I was told at dinner in front of everyone I wasn't a bridesmaid. It could have been a "oh. can we please talk about this later?" versus a "no….. she's not……" to humiliate me. Then force me out to another bar. I just felt used.
We're fundamentally two different people. She's the same person who she was in high school. I feel like I've lived three lives since high school and have found my voice and how to process my emotions. Welp.