Bestseller on a Budget: A Tragicomedy in Three Downloads

By A Broke Literary Genius (that’s me)

Once upon a time, in a dimly lit corner of a one-bedroom apartment that doubled as a writing sanctuary, therapy chamber, and makeshift dining room, a writer dared to dream. That writer was me. And the dream? Oh, nothing major, just to become a New York Times bestselling author, dominate the literary world, and eventually star in my own Netflix adaptation where I’m played by someone more attractive but with the same crippling student debt.

But there was one teensy problem: I had $14.37 in my bank account, a broken laptop with the letter “e” missing (the most common letter in the English language), and an Amazon KDP account I opened during a sleep-deprived episode of delusional optimism.

I decided to self-publish. Because who needs agents, editors, or marketing teams when you’ve got passion and Canva?

Phase 1: The Cover of My Nightmares

They say don’t judge a book by its cover. That’s a lie. Everyone does. So I bravely opened Canva and began designing the cover of my future masterpiece, The Midnight Typist, a haunting psychological thriller about insomnia, existential dread, and an unpaid phone bill.

With zero design training but a deep affection for “minimalist vibes,” I created a cover featuring a blurry moon, an ominous font called “Spooky Serif,” and a subtitle that read “A Novel (Because People Might Not Know).”

Budget spent: $0

Time spent Googling “free high resolution foggy backgrounds”: 4 hours

Phase 2: Editing… Kind of

Editing is the soul of writing, so I hired the most affordable editor I could find: myself, after two cups of stale coffee and a TED Talk on “believing in yourself.” I ran spellcheck twice, changed all the “your” to “you’re,” and cut 10,000 words I thought were “too genius for this world.”

To ensure quality, I had my cousin read it. She’s eleven. She said it was “a lot of words.”

Budget spent: $0

Confidence level: Delusional

Phase 3: Marketing Like a Pro (With No Money)

Next came the launch. I posted dramatic countdowns on Instagram stories to my 20 followers, five of whom are bots and one ex I refuse to unfollow for moral reasons. I hashtagged every variation of “#writerlife” known to man. I even made a TikTok where I stared at the camera while typing dramatically with an inspirational voiceover about “finding my voice in the silence.”

It got 2 views. Both were me.

I emailed five friends, one of whom replied, “I didn’t know you were still doing that book thing.”

Sales Report: Day 1

Downloads: 0

Hope: Hanging on by a thread

Cup noodles consumed: 3

Day 2:

One purchase! From me. To test the formatting.

Day 3:

My mom accidentally ordered a coloring book instead.

And yet, I persist. Because while the money isn’t there, the delusions are strong. I’ve got five more half-written manuscripts, an inbox full of rejection, and a motivational Pinterest board labeled Manifest That Bestseller Energy. One day, the world will know my name.

Today, however, I’m Googling “How to make your own literary award using cardboard.” Stay tuned for my next release: How to Go Broke Trying to Sell a Book About Being Broke.

Budget: Still $14.37

But I believe in the power of a dream. And overdraft protection.

Want a sequel? I’ll write it if this one sells at least three copies.