I Tried TikTok So You Don’t Have To

IBM trained me for this BS?

Day One — downloaded the app

My neighbor said I need to “understand the culture” if I’m going to write about modern life. She’s twenty-three and thinks TikTok is a documentary about human behavior. I think it’s what happens when you give toddlers video cameras and cocaine.

But she’s right about understanding culture. At IBM, we studied user behavior. Same principle, different platform. Except IBM users weren’t dancing while explaining cryptocurrency.

Day Two — created an account

Username: GrandmaThrillerWriter67. Password: PostItsAreLife2025! Bio: “Buddhist grandmother writes murder mysteries. Probably documenting your crimes.”

Immediately got seven friend requests from accounts with names like @hotgirl_2003 and @crypto_king_daddy. These are either bots or people who didn’t read my bio carefully. They clearly don’t care.

Day Three — the algorithm learns about me

TikTok thinks I want to see —

• 20-year-olds explaining why millennials ruined everything
• Cooking hacks involving cream cheese
• Something called “core girl aesthetic” (apparently…