By skyforbes 
By Clara Olsen | Bohiney.com Satirical News Service
Introduction: Meta, Morality, and Midnight Downloads
The metas-porngpt-scandal has arrived like an awkward pop-up window you can’t close at Thanksgiving dinner. Meta has been accused of using pirated adult content — not research papers, not Nobel lectures, not Columbia University Art History Department slideshows — but torrents of the kind of “educational films” you find on the sketchier corners of the internet.
And now, like any college kid explaining to their professor why their “dissertation folder” is actually filled with Amy Schumer Netflix comedy specials, Meta insists this is all perfectly academic. The rest of us? We’re not buying it.
Academic Integrity vs. Torrented Intimacy
In most universities, plagiarism gets you suspended. In Silicon Valley, it gets you a Series C round of funding. While MIT’s Computer Science and AI Laboratory is busy publishing papers on reinforcement learning, Meta’s engineers allegedly whispered to their servers: “Psst, don’t cite your sources — just seed them.”
Leaked memos, allegedly drafted by an anonymous Meta intern, suggest the company’s datasets contained “metadata tagged under ‘research’ that included both Nature journal AI ethics articles and… things involving pizza delivery men.”
A professor from Stanford Law School AI ethics program told us:
“If Meta thinks fair use doctrine in machine learning cases covers torrenting adult films for AI training, then I’ve got news: that’s not fair use, that’s Friday night at a frat house.”
Public Opinion: The AI Porn Poll
The Pew Research Center AI public opinion polls recently asked Americans: “Do you believe AI should be trained on adult content piracy in AI training datasets?”
- 41% said, “Wait… it’s doing what now?”
- 28% said, “Only if the AI promises to call me back.”
- 19% said, “As long as it’s consensual between consenting algorithms.”
- 12% said, “Whatever, HBO Max comedian interviews are dirtier.”
Clearly, the public isn’t on board with AI behaving like a hormonal 17-year-old with a VPN.
Expert Testimony: Comedy Meets Copyright
Even comedians are weighing in. At a recent Comedy Central stand-up performance, one unnamed comic cracked:
“Meta training AI on porn is like Jerry Seinfeld’s latest comedy tour dates being used to train Siri on romance advice. Wrong dataset, people!”
Meanwhile, Strike 3 Holdings copyright lawsuit against Meta is rumored to be in the works. Their brief suggests that if Meta doesn’t stop, their AI might end up in federal court arguing: “I was just scraping for science, your honor.”
Anonymous Staffer Confession
We tracked down an anonymous staffer at Meta who admitted, off the record:
“Look, Mark said we needed diversity in training data. Next thing you know, our AI thinks every user query starts with, ‘Step-bro, what are you doing?’”
This, of course, raises troubling implications for AI policy. The Electronic Frontier Foundation AI policy experts have long warned against unchecked scraping, but even they didn’t imagine a chatbot whispering adult film plotlines as if they were peer-reviewed findings.
Archival Evidence: The Pizza Connection
Archival “evidence” provided by whistleblowers suggests Meta’s PornGPT sometimes miscategorizes content. For example, one test dataset labeled “Italian Culinary Arts” contained thousands of clips where the phrase “extra sausage” carried a meaning the Museum of Modern Art digital exhibitions has never included in its syllabi.
In a leaked Zoom training call, a Meta engineer reportedly said:
“Sure, the AI confused ‘fresco’ with ‘Francesca.’ But isn’t art about interpretation anyway?”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Meta says it’s all for science. Yeah, so was my excuse when my mom found a VHS under my bed labeled Physics Homework.” — Ron White
“Why do companies always claim ‘we didn’t know’? You had terabytes of evidence! That’s not an accident, that’s a subscription plan.” — Jerry Seinfeld
“Meta’s AI is like a teenager on LimeWire in 2003. The only thing it learned was how to get viruses.” — Sarah Silverman
The Regulatory Response
The Federal Trade Commission AI regulation office has opened inquiries, while federal copyright law and AI training data experts are circling like vultures over a warm laptop. A Washington Post Meta investigations piece hinted that regulators are less worried about the porn and more worried about Meta’s habit of lying about it.
One FTC official, caught on a hot mic, was overheard saying:
“Listen, if they’d just been honest and admitted PornGPT was horny, we could’ve written new disclosure rules. But lying? That’s worse than buffering.”
Cause and Effect: The Slippery Slope of Slippery Content
Let’s think deductively. If Meta can train on torrented adult films today, tomorrow what stops Google DeepMind AI research from training on stolen HBO Max comedian interviews? The day after, maybe Amazon Alexa starts suggesting “bonus academic/research links” whenever you ask for… well, anything.
Cause and effect here is a slippery slope — and not the fun kind.
The Absurd Academic Defense
Meta’s defense is that porn is “culturally significant material.” This argument would almost sound reasonable if it weren’t delivered with the same tone you hear when undergrads explain why they’re minoring in Comedy and Entertainment “because memes are the new Shakespeare.”
A Columbia professor of Art History (definitely real, definitely sober) explained:
“Yes, we do analyze erotic frescoes. No, we don’t torrent Jenna Jameson films for midterms. There’s a difference.”
Closing Thoughts: Meta’s Utopia Isn’t Safe for Work
The metas-porngpt-scandal reveals something deeper: Big Tech’s utopian dream isn’t built on research or ethics, but on the same shaky foundation as a college roommate’s hard drive. And like every utopia, it’s always one deleted browser history away from collapse.
Disclaimer
This satirical report is entirely a human collaboration between the world’s oldest tenured professor and a philosophy major turned dairy farmer. No AI was used to write this because if it had been, it would have demanded “bonus academic/research links” to a Pizza Hut menu. Auf Wiedersehen.