Last week he forgot to take the trash out for the third time in a row. The kitchen bin was overflowing, there were food containers starting to smell in the hallway, and our building sent a reminder email about people leaving bags in the shared area. I showed him the email and said, pretty calmly, "This is your job. I need you to actually own it, not wait for me to nag." He got quiet, then said, "You know, my mom used to ride me like this about chores too. It feels really controlling when you talk to me like that." I just stared at him because I had spent that same day rescheduling his dentist appointment he forgot, texting his sister about a gift for their dad, and cooking dinner after work. I told him "You realize I am managing about thirty invisible tasks and asked you to remember one thing that directly affects both of us." He said that was an "unfair exaggeration" and that a relationship should not be about "keeping score." I tried a different approach. I printed a blank weekly calendar and suggested we write down everything that needs to happen in a normal week, just once, so he could see why his one task matters. He rolled his eyes but agreed. It took us 20 minutes and filled the whole page. At the end he went quiet and said "Ok, yeah, I didnt know it was that much." I felt a bit hopeful. Then the next morning I overheard him on Discord telling his friend that his girlfriend is "on this feminist power trip and wants to assign chores like a boss" and that "men cant do anything without being called lazy now." I dont even know how to explain the mix of hurt and rage I felt. When I confronted him he said I "violated his privacy" by listening, and that of course he was "venting" and didnt mean it literally. I told him I am done begging for basic partnership and that if he truly experiences one trash run a week as oppression, then we have much bigger problems than a full bin. He took out the trash in angry silence and has been sulking for two days, doing the bare minimum and acting like I ruined the vibe of the relationship. I am now sitting here wondering if I am crazy for thinking this is a giant red flag. Is this something couples can realistically work through, or is it one of those "he just actually wants a mom with benefits" situations and I should cut my losses now that I have seen it this clearly.
My boyfriend says I’m “controlling” because I asked him to complete his only chore
We live together, both 29, both work full time. On paper, we are very modern and equal. In reality I am project manager of our entire lives. I do all the meal planning, grocery lists, cooking, dishes, laundry, scheduling doctor appointments, remembering birthdays, buying gifts, cleaning the bathroom, changing the sheets, organizing social plans, dealing with the landlord, keeping track of bills, making sure we have cat food, even noticing when we are low on toilet paper. We had a big talk a few months ago and I said I felt like his mom. He cried, said he didnt realize how much I was carrying and we agreed on one clear recurring task that would be his. He would handle all trash and recycling, including remembering the collection days, buying bags and breaking down boxes. That was it. Not sharing it. Fully his domain.
