By skyforbes I'm not a professional reviewer by ANY stretch of the imagination so take all this with some salt… in your eye…
I've done restaurant reviews, hotel reviews, even campground reviews but RARELY does a MOVIE come around where I'm like…"UNFORGIVABLE!"
This piece of dog feces actually made me stop and ask; "Thewhatthefuhnow?" at SEVERAL points. Not the worst of which was it's abrupt and completely out of joint ending where the elves declare war with 3 minutes of playtime on the clock and they roll the fracking credits like they're STAR WARS or something…
I'm telling you now… Don't waste your time. It's 100+ minutes of your life you'll want to keep. Promise.
Let me BEGIN this review by stating that it's lead actor… Whateverthefuh guy's name is has failed EVERY charisma check ever thrown at him except the one to I guess be the lead(?) in this pile of refuse. The guy is about as charismatic as a potato. He couldn't hold up my JOCK let alone this movie.
Billy Boyd!!! Motherfracking Pippin himself! Dude must be laughing all the way to the bank on this gig. What like, maybe a dozen scenes? Filmed all in a day I bet. I thought you knew a good script from a bad one but clearly I was mistaken.
Had a few good sub characters. The blind lady that threw a dagger through a rubber doll neck while it spewed fake Halloween blood made me chuckle.
The effects team was literally non existent. Along with cinematography, editing, production and CLEARLY directing. I haven't got a clue what it's budget was and I DON'T care. Some half remembered fever dream scripts shouldn't be made.
I don't care if they got Shadowheart in it… But I do?
Jennifer English! Give this woman a real movie. With a GOOD script and a huge budget. She'll frackin' kill it. But lady you should have avoided this one. I get it.. acting is a paid as you play sport but dayum, sister… Ya better than this one.
Movie starts with these two dudes poorly dressed as elves in the forest. They BOTH look like guys I work construction with… Very much NON elven. Like these guys are here to fix the plumbing or something.
Turns out the least charismatic of the two is actually the main character but the dude just stands around looking mildly stoned the whole movie.
Alfred from the Hobbit movies is in it! His death in this one is WAY less dramatic. With zero buildup or anything. He dies in a staircase by being stabbed in the chest by English after whiffing the worst one liner ever.
Which brings me to the action sequences… For a movie literally called Warlord the fight scenes are bafflingly horribly done. Like, I got a bunch of questions here… Did you seriously have NO budget for special effects, choreography and makeup?
Good movies can be made with no budget. #clerks comes very clearly to mind. THIS is not one of those.
If you or ANYONE you know hasn't seen this movie consider yourself lucky. Keep what's remaining of your refunded 100 life minutes from reading this.
However, if you're like me… A completionist with hope that at the middle of this steaming pile of WTF will ever make sense… It won't. They twist the plotline a hundred times in a hundred minutes. There is ZERO character development. Like, even dirty dancing had some character development! I didn't know who ANYONE was supposed to be.
Makes NO sense why the whole big bad of all this is corrupt city politicians.
Utter garbage.