By skyforbes 
How do you navigate them when your child has food allergies and most of the cooks and guests are family members or close friends? As an allergy-mom with 28 years experience I know it can be tricky. You expect family members or good friends to respond with care, concern, and be willing to do whatever it takes to keep your child safe. But sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they don’t get it at all, plus they think you are making their job preparing food for the family gathering harder.
If that is your situation, you are not alone.
Here’s my go-to list of strategies to help family members or friends understand my child’s food allergies and keep family parties safe.
How to start
Communicate: Federal, state, and local holidays as well as family birthdays or anniversaries are celebrated on the same date or season every year. Make sure you communicate in advance with family members and guests who are likely to attend about your child’s allergies.
What to tell them: Explain the concept of food allergies and the impact they have on a person’s life. Then describe your child’s allergies. Gently explain what your child can and can’t eat and why.
At this point the conversation can go several different ways. For example:
- They nod and agree with you that food allergies make eating difficult. But they have not realized that their famous chocolate cherry cake with fudge frosting – that is served EVERY July 4th with sparklers instead of candles – contains dairy and the person with a dairy allergy can’t eat it.
- They try to bargain with you. You might hear “surely she can have just a little.” or – “but I can’t make it without milk.”
- They deny it. “Kids didn’t have allergies when I was growing up. Maybe she just doesn’t like peanuts.”
Tell a story: If your family member or long time friend is still having a hard time “getting it” that your child has food allergies, it’s not by choice, and she can’t eat certain foods, try a different approach. Tell them about a time when your child – or someone you know – accidentally ate food that contained an allergen. Explain how your child reacted such as itching, vomiting, shortness of breath. Describe how you reacted and what steps you had to take – such as administering an Epi-pen, taking the child to the ER, calling an ambulance – to keep your child safe. Share how worried her little sister or big brother was when the ambulance came or you had to put everyone in the car and rush to the ER. It’s critically important that family members know not only what happens when your child has a reaction, but also what steps you had to take to keep her safe.
Every year? Yes. Don’t be too surprised if someone you spoke with in depth last year says “Oh, is she still allergic to peanuts? I thought he would have outgrown it by now.” While some children do outgrow food allergies, many others do not. You will probably have to remind relatives that you do not see frequently that your child has food allergies and can’t eat certain foods (like that chocolate cherry cake with fudge frosting) even if that dish has been part of your family tradition for generations.
They might be sad. . .: Not just about your child’s allergies, but because they can’t have their favorite holiday dish. Strange as that may seem, it’s important to remember that people are creatures of habit. They want what they want even if your family member can’t eat it. I hope they won’t be unkind, but they will probably let you know they are disappointed that your child can’t eat their signature dish.
What to do about it: Unfortunately, you can’t change how they react to news about your child’s food allergies. Getting angry at their insensitivity and flaming all over them because of something you didn’t ask for and can’t change probably won’t help. But you can help them understand the seriousness of food allergies by sharing this blog or your personal story.
You are not powerless: Remember – just because you are not in charge of their reaction does not mean that you are powerless. There are many concrete steps you can take to keep your child safe and educate others about food allergies.
Sarah’s Strategies for Safe Family Events
- Before the holidays, set a time to have a personal conversation with family members about your child’s allergies. Try to do it one on one. Facetime is great for this, but so are quiet get-togethers over coffee.
- Give them time to ask questions. If they ask a question you don’t know the answer to or if they have information that conflicts with what you have learned from your medical professional, get back to them. You both may learn something new.
- Introduce them to food labels. Food labeling has improved over the years but some family members may not be familiar with specific terms for allergens. Show them what to look for on food labels for products they will use in holiday meals.
- Teach all family members that food labels are their friends. Enlist older siblings to read them for younger children so that your food allergic child has more than one person to turn to for help.
- Share your secrets for avoiding cross contamination such as separate pie cutters for every pie or different colored plates for foods that contain dairy or other allergens.
- Offer to bring a dish or two to the next family gathering that your child enjoys. My peanut-allergic daughter loves dessert but desserts are notorious for hiding nuts or peanuts. And homemade desserts don’t have labels. She always brings her own go-to desserts that everyone loves and she knows are safe.
- Share your recipes. Most of the time family members want to be helpful and serve food that you or your food-allergic family member can eat and enjoy. But they may not be sure if an unfamiliar recipe will taste good. Fearing that their dish will be the one no one likes at Thanksgiving can keep them from trying anything new. Share your success stories and start some new family food traditions.
- Prepare your child for holiday visits with relatives. When your child is small, you think you will always be with them – running interference at the food table, digging in the trash can for food labels, and quizzing Aunt Sibyl about her squash casserole recipe. Or, you’re hosting the party yourself and checking the food contributions when they come in the door. But you won’t. Your child needs to be ready to navigate holiday meals when he or she is on their own.
- Teach your young child not to take food, even from family members, without checking with you first.
- When you are talking with relatives about your child’s allergies let your children listen in. Let their siblings listen, too. One day they will have to answer the same questions you have had to answer for years.
- Let your children help you find recipes that sound good and meet their dietary requirements. This is a good time to introduce cookbooks from the library or internet recipe searches.
- BE BRAVE. Sometimes you will do the best you can to communicate with kindness, compassion, and clarity. You should get an Oscar or an Emmy for your efforts. But it may not be enough. Some relatives or friends may still “not get it”, “forget”, or belittle your concerns (“Aren’t you overreacting?”). You may know who I’m talking about.
Those are the times when you may have to say –”I’m sorry, we can’t make it this year” or “Let’s have the party at my house and we’ll provide the food – will you bring paper plates” or “Let’s have the party after dinner – a game night – you bring the games and we’ll provide the snacks.”
Finally, remind your family that holidays are about more than food. They are also about sharing special times with people you love. One of the best ways to show them love is to work together to keep everyone safe.