TikTok Lied to You About Love (and I Can Prove It in Sweatpants)

So, I was doom-scrolling TikTok last Tuesday night — you know, as one does at 1:37 AM when sleep is just a theoretical concept — and I stumbled on this video that made me simultaneously cringe and question my entire existence. This guy, with what I can only assume was his trust fund and a team of invisible helpers, surprised his girlfriend with this elaborate scavenger hunt. Not just any hunt, mind you. The final clue led her to some ridiculously perfect rooftop. We’re talking obscene numbers of twinkly lights (had to be at least 10,000, or maybe I’m exaggerating, who counts these things?), an actual freakin’ string quartet (because apparently Spotify wasn’t good enough), and — I swear I’m not making this up — a custom-painted portrait of their first date.

Their first date! I can barely remember what I had for breakfast yesterday, let alone what I wore when I first met my ex. Was it the blue shirt with the coffee stain or the other blue shirt with the different coffee stain? As I sat there in my three-day-old sweatpants, eating cold pizza directly over my keyboard (I live dangerously), I couldn’t help but wonder: is this what real people think romance looks like now? Because if so, we’re all monumentally screwed. And worse, our fictional characters are too.